I didn't realize how broken I was until God opened my eyes in his loving-kindness way.
I began a new study by Ann Voskamp called The Broken Way.
Like most studies that catch me off guard, I didn't really think I had much need for the topic.
I have discovered, however, I was like Bruce Willis' character in Sixth Sense, totally broken but completely unaware.
Two years ago God called me to homeschool Maddie.
It's had its challenges, but overall I know it's been a good thing.
The struggle for me has been caring for my special needs daughter 24/7 for the past two years with no reprieve.
I really thought I was handling things OK.
I knew I wasn't knocking it out of the park, but I thought I was holding all the pieces together fairly well.
My first inclination that things weren't quite right with me appeared a few months ago.
My Mommy anger was in high gear and full force, rearing its ugly head and erupting like Mount Vesuvius.
It wasn't the bad day or the anger that concerned me though.
What really gave me pause was the out-of-control feeling.
I had prayed for God to help me.
That usually did the trick.
But not this day.
I found myself yelling at Maddie when I really didn't even want to yell, but it was like an unmanageable tornado that once unleashed, had to spin itself out of energy.
THAT was my first wake up call.
I used to think that yelling wasn't all that bad, and although unpleasant, a necessary tool for parenting.
I've since been convicted otherwise.
In the moment it feels right and justified and absolutely necessary, but fast forward a few months and on one particular day the carnage of its wake became more important to me than justifying my actions.
I had a real-life, What's Eating Gilbert Grape bathroom moment with Maddie.
She needed a shower, it was a long day, I just wanted to get it done and over with and instead of cooperation, I was met with opposition and defiance and, although I never physically hit her like in the movie, I did force her to take a shower.
There were tears, confusion, and spirits were broken.
And then I knew, at that moment, I was broken.
A broken Mom, passing on her brokenness to an impressionable child.
It's the human experience that happens to all of us at some point and in some form, but what do we do with it?
I knew I needed help.
I happen to have a group of ladies I've been sharing life with every Tuesday morning for the last 8 years.
They are my bible study mentors, my prayer warriors, and I know they will always have me covered in prayer.
As soon as I asked for help, that's exactly what they did.
They gathered around, hands on shoulders, and lifted me up when my spirit was too downcast to do so myself.
Through some sort of supernatural intervention, I have not had to deal with that same level of Mommy anger since then.
Praise God, He transformed me!
I still get upset and express that frustration, but the difference now is that out-of-control feeling is GONE.
And I can tell Maddie that even though Mommy gets mad and upset with her, I will always, ALWAYS love her, even in the mad moments.
And Maddie can now talk about feelings and I think she really does understand on a different level the give and take of relationships.
Once we have resolved our conflicts, she will confirm, "Mommy happy now?"
I smile, nod my head, give her a hug and say, "yes, Mommy is indeed happy now."
I see that this beautiful soul God has entrusted in my care has the most amazing capacity to forgive, and she gives it out freely and untethered with joy in her heart.
And I think I can feel the broken pieces inside me slowly healing.
I really thought I was handling things OK.
I knew I wasn't knocking it out of the park, but I thought I was holding all the pieces together fairly well.
My first inclination that things weren't quite right with me appeared a few months ago.
My Mommy anger was in high gear and full force, rearing its ugly head and erupting like Mount Vesuvius.
It wasn't the bad day or the anger that concerned me though.
What really gave me pause was the out-of-control feeling.
I had prayed for God to help me.
That usually did the trick.
But not this day.
I found myself yelling at Maddie when I really didn't even want to yell, but it was like an unmanageable tornado that once unleashed, had to spin itself out of energy.
THAT was my first wake up call.
I used to think that yelling wasn't all that bad, and although unpleasant, a necessary tool for parenting.
I've since been convicted otherwise.
In the moment it feels right and justified and absolutely necessary, but fast forward a few months and on one particular day the carnage of its wake became more important to me than justifying my actions.
I had a real-life, What's Eating Gilbert Grape bathroom moment with Maddie.
She needed a shower, it was a long day, I just wanted to get it done and over with and instead of cooperation, I was met with opposition and defiance and, although I never physically hit her like in the movie, I did force her to take a shower.
There were tears, confusion, and spirits were broken.
And then I knew, at that moment, I was broken.
A broken Mom, passing on her brokenness to an impressionable child.
It's the human experience that happens to all of us at some point and in some form, but what do we do with it?
I knew I needed help.
I happen to have a group of ladies I've been sharing life with every Tuesday morning for the last 8 years.
They are my bible study mentors, my prayer warriors, and I know they will always have me covered in prayer.
As soon as I asked for help, that's exactly what they did.
They gathered around, hands on shoulders, and lifted me up when my spirit was too downcast to do so myself.
Through some sort of supernatural intervention, I have not had to deal with that same level of Mommy anger since then.
Praise God, He transformed me!
I still get upset and express that frustration, but the difference now is that out-of-control feeling is GONE.
And I can tell Maddie that even though Mommy gets mad and upset with her, I will always, ALWAYS love her, even in the mad moments.
And Maddie can now talk about feelings and I think she really does understand on a different level the give and take of relationships.
Once we have resolved our conflicts, she will confirm, "Mommy happy now?"
I smile, nod my head, give her a hug and say, "yes, Mommy is indeed happy now."
I see that this beautiful soul God has entrusted in my care has the most amazing capacity to forgive, and she gives it out freely and untethered with joy in her heart.
And I think I can feel the broken pieces inside me slowly healing.
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