The Follow Up

I know dying-pain.  

We became acquainted when I was 20 years old.

Dying-pain is slow, deliberate, and methodical.  

It wants to go unnoticed until it gradually takes over.

For a naive little girl, it was unrecognizable except for a single moment of clarity when I saw it...just 30 minutes away from cardiac arrest.

What I experienced last week was not dying-pain.

It was unrelenting-pain.

In contrast to dying-pain, unrelenting-pain demands to be noticed.

It's greedy, voracious appetite will accept nothing less than your full attention.

It's in-your-face-drill-sergeant-pain that insists you wake from slumber and FEEL!

It was scary.

But I've never felt more alive than when I was scared to death.

I've been on a journey exploring pain and its usefulness.  

So often we pray for the removal of pain, but what about the redemption of pain?

We went to the ultrasound appointment.

We did not experience the miracle we were hoping to see.

There was no heartbeat, and I felt nothing.

I was numb.

I stayed numb the rest of that day, the following day, the day after surgery.

Until finally, unrelenting-pain showed up.

"Wake up!", he shouted.

"Cry, feel, experience this life!"

It's too soon to process the events of the past few weeks.

But one thing I do know,

you can't stuff it down, ignore it, distract yourself from it.

If emotional pain is ignored, it will manifest itself as physical pain.

Dying-pain, unrelenting-pain, whatever you name it, it will come.

Listen to it.

It could redeem you from yourself.

My goal is to gently allow time and space to process what's happened.

Answers will come when the time is right.  

God-willing, I just have to keep myself open to the journey ahead.  

I want to thank  you all so much for walking with me through this journey.

I cannot describe the comfort I feel knowing I am surrounded by so much love.  

The Beginning of the End or The Way to a Miracle?

On May 2nd we found out we were pregnant.

Today, June 4th, it was confirmed the baby had died. 

The verse that's lingering in my mind is Ephesians 3:20-21

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever! Amen."

My body has refused to give up hope and has not begun the miscarriage process.  

It's been 3 weeks.

I couldn't commit to the finalization process.  

Although it makes no sense, my doctor suggested we do another ultrasound. 

So, next week I will go in once more to see if we find a heartbeat. 

This, however, is more than likely the beginning of the end.  

Hope drives us to do crazy things, but I'm not ashamed.  

I need to know that we have given God sufficient time to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine.  

In some ways by praying this verse over the situation, it seems like I'm putting God's power on trial.  

I believe he is able to breath life into this baby, but I also know that even if this is the beginning of the end, I will follow Him.  

When I asked why Ephesians 3:20-21, God led me to another verse, 2 Corinthians 12:9

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 

I confess I put God in boxes.

I say I believe in miracles, but do I really?

The definition of  a miracle states:

"a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency."

If on Tuesday we go and we do not see a heartbeat, I will look like a fool believing in miracles.

But what if we go and see the heartbeat?

I think I would rather risk being a fool than offending God with a spirit of unbelief.

Besides, even if this is the beginning of the end I won't fall,

Isaiah 41:13

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you."

Update:
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