The Follow Up

I know dying-pain.  

We became acquainted when I was 20 years old.

Dying-pain is slow, deliberate, and methodical.  

It wants to go unnoticed until it gradually takes over.

For a naive little girl, it was unrecognizable except for a single moment of clarity when I saw it...just 30 minutes away from cardiac arrest.

What I experienced last week was not dying-pain.

It was unrelenting-pain.

In contrast to dying-pain, unrelenting-pain demands to be noticed.

It's greedy, voracious appetite will accept nothing less than your full attention.

It's in-your-face-drill-sergeant-pain that insists you wake from slumber and FEEL!

It was scary.

But I've never felt more alive than when I was scared to death.

I've been on a journey exploring pain and its usefulness.  

So often we pray for the removal of pain, but what about the redemption of pain?

We went to the ultrasound appointment.

We did not experience the miracle we were hoping to see.

There was no heartbeat, and I felt nothing.

I was numb.

I stayed numb the rest of that day, the following day, the day after surgery.

Until finally, unrelenting-pain showed up.

"Wake up!", he shouted.

"Cry, feel, experience this life!"

It's too soon to process the events of the past few weeks.

But one thing I do know,

you can't stuff it down, ignore it, distract yourself from it.

If emotional pain is ignored, it will manifest itself as physical pain.

Dying-pain, unrelenting-pain, whatever you name it, it will come.

Listen to it.

It could redeem you from yourself.

My goal is to gently allow time and space to process what's happened.

Answers will come when the time is right.  

God-willing, I just have to keep myself open to the journey ahead.  

I want to thank  you all so much for walking with me through this journey.

I cannot describe the comfort I feel knowing I am surrounded by so much love.