God can be confusing sometimes.
For those not familiar with my situation, read this post.
I consider those five days between hearing and believing what was possible to be a spiritual pilgrimage for me.
During those five days in my daily bible reading plan I've been following, I "stumbled upon" verses like John 15:7,
"If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."
The next day it was John 16:23b-24
"Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full."
The progression of the journey had three parts.
First, I had to reconcile whether or not I truly believed God was ABLE to work this miracle of breathing life back into the baby.
Once that was established, the next step was determining whether God DESIRED to work a miracle.
Most of my nights during this five day time span were spent on my knees in prayer, for at least some portion of the early morning hours.
I'll admit I'm not accustomed to praying on my knees, but I discovered there's something about that posture that makes the prayer experience deeper, more real, and tangible.
After some intense prayer, I concluded it was God's desire.
Finally, I had to reconcile whether or not I had the faith to RECEIVE the miracle.
Looking back, perhaps that's where the plan faltered.
Isn't it incredible that the God of the universe whose spoken words have the power to create the sun, moon, and stars yet he chooses to partner with fallible, feeble humans?
I'll be honest, that Tuesday afternoon, during the moment of truth when there was, in fact, no heartbeat, my first thoughts were, "God, I can't deal with you right now. Leave me alone."
Full disclosure: my ego couldn't have handled such a miracle.
I don't know for sure if that's why things happened the way they did, but there are a few truths I have picked up along the journey, which helps to know there is purpose.
1) God is good.
2) It's prideful to assume I'm entitled to answers.
3) Gratitude not only heals but transforms.
4) An eternal perspective changes everything.
The biggest take-away, however, has been this:
Embrace whatever comes your way.