The Embrace

God can be confusing sometimes.

For those not familiar with my situation, read this post.

I consider those five days between hearing and believing what was possible to be a spiritual pilgrimage for me. 

During those five days in my daily bible reading plan I've been following, I "stumbled upon" verses like John 15:7,

"If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."

The next day it was John 16:23b-24

"Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you.  Until now you have asked nothing in my name.  Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full."

The progression of the journey had three parts.

First, I had to reconcile whether or not I truly believed God was ABLE to work this miracle of breathing life back into the baby.

Once that was established, the next step was determining whether God DESIRED to work a miracle. 

Most of my nights during this five day time span were spent on my knees in prayer, for at least some portion of the early morning hours.

I'll admit I'm not accustomed to praying on my knees, but I discovered there's something about that posture that makes the prayer experience deeper, more real, and tangible.

After some intense prayer, I concluded it was God's desire.

Finally, I had to reconcile whether or not I had the faith to RECEIVE  the miracle.  

Looking back, perhaps that's where the plan faltered.

Isn't it incredible that the God of the universe whose spoken words have the power to create the sun, moon, and stars yet he chooses to partner with fallible, feeble humans?

I'll be honest, that Tuesday afternoon, during the moment of truth when there was, in fact, no heartbeat, my first thoughts were, "God, I can't deal with you right now. Leave me alone."

Full disclosure: my ego couldn't have handled such a miracle.

I don't know for sure if that's why things happened the way they did, but there are a few truths I have picked up along the journey, which helps to know there is purpose.

1) God is good.

2) It's prideful to assume I'm entitled to answers.

3) Gratitude not only heals but transforms.

4) An eternal perspective changes everything.

The biggest take-away, however, has been this:

Embrace whatever comes your way.  

The Follow Up

I know dying-pain.  

We became acquainted when I was 20 years old.

Dying-pain is slow, deliberate, and methodical.  

It wants to go unnoticed until it gradually takes over.

For a naive little girl, it was unrecognizable except for a single moment of clarity when I saw it...just 30 minutes away from cardiac arrest.

What I experienced last week was not dying-pain.

It was unrelenting-pain.

In contrast to dying-pain, unrelenting-pain demands to be noticed.

It's greedy, voracious appetite will accept nothing less than your full attention.

It's in-your-face-drill-sergeant-pain that insists you wake from slumber and FEEL!

It was scary.

But I've never felt more alive than when I was scared to death.

I've been on a journey exploring pain and its usefulness.  

So often we pray for the removal of pain, but what about the redemption of pain?

We went to the ultrasound appointment.

We did not experience the miracle we were hoping to see.

There was no heartbeat, and I felt nothing.

I was numb.

I stayed numb the rest of that day, the following day, the day after surgery.

Until finally, unrelenting-pain showed up.

"Wake up!", he shouted.

"Cry, feel, experience this life!"

It's too soon to process the events of the past few weeks.

But one thing I do know,

you can't stuff it down, ignore it, distract yourself from it.

If emotional pain is ignored, it will manifest itself as physical pain.

Dying-pain, unrelenting-pain, whatever you name it, it will come.

Listen to it.

It could redeem you from yourself.

My goal is to gently allow time and space to process what's happened.

Answers will come when the time is right.  

God-willing, I just have to keep myself open to the journey ahead.  

I want to thank  you all so much for walking with me through this journey.

I cannot describe the comfort I feel knowing I am surrounded by so much love.  

The Beginning of the End or The Way to a Miracle?

On May 2nd we found out we were pregnant.

Today, June 4th, it was confirmed the baby had died. 

The verse that's lingering in my mind is Ephesians 3:20-21

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever! Amen."

My body has refused to give up hope and has not begun the miscarriage process.  

It's been 3 weeks.

I couldn't commit to the finalization process.  

Although it makes no sense, my doctor suggested we do another ultrasound. 

So, next week I will go in once more to see if we find a heartbeat. 

This, however, is more than likely the beginning of the end.  

Hope drives us to do crazy things, but I'm not ashamed.  

I need to know that we have given God sufficient time to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine.  

In some ways by praying this verse over the situation, it seems like I'm putting God's power on trial.  

I believe he is able to breath life into this baby, but I also know that even if this is the beginning of the end, I will follow Him.  

When I asked why Ephesians 3:20-21, God led me to another verse, 2 Corinthians 12:9

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 

I confess I put God in boxes.

I say I believe in miracles, but do I really?

The definition of  a miracle states:

"a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency."

If on Tuesday we go and we do not see a heartbeat, I will look like a fool believing in miracles.

But what if we go and see the heartbeat?

I think I would rather risk being a fool than offending God with a spirit of unbelief.

Besides, even if this is the beginning of the end I won't fall,

Isaiah 41:13

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you."

Update:
Click here to read The Follow Up

Ups and Downs of Down Syndrome & SPD

This has been a crazy week of lots of ups and downs.  

It began Sunday. 

I usually teach in the nursery, but this Sunday Kyle and I were in Maddie's class teaching.  

This was the first time for me to teach her class. 

Sometimes life has a way of dishing out a large dose of reality.

I never realized how difficult social situations are for her. 

At home she's busy, vibrant, talkative, and on the go.

In public she's reserved, shut off, defensive, and withdrawn.

It's heartbreaking. 

Big Down. 

The next morning she and I were out pulling weeds in the flower bed.  

She was beside herself with joy!

At one point she pointed to her face and exclaimed, "I'm HAPPY!!!

Huge Up!

Later that same day we went to the library.

While I was getting some books to check out, Maddie was playing on the computers.

Another little girl came to the library and after a few minutes she came up to me and said, "I saw your daughter sitting over there and she was mean to me!"

Her mom quickly chimed in and said she was not mean.

I told her sometimes Maddie just doesn't know what to say to new friends.

It's interesting that this little girl interpreted Maddie's "stand-offishness" as mean.  

I know what she's talking about.  

Maddie does not respond appropriately or what we consider to be polite in social situations.  

It's heartbreaking.

Big Down.

But then we get home and she helps me in the kitchen and I'm blown away by her abilities.

She was helping roll out naan bread!  

After her good work she exclaimed, "I did it! I did it! I did it!" 

Huge Up!

This is actually a typical week for us, full of ups and downs.  

There's always something to learn from all of it.

We've realized we really need to practice teaching Maddie how to handle herself in public.

Things that you don't necessarily think you have to teach kids like: 

1) When someone says "hi" you say "hi" back to them

2) When someone tells you "bye" the right thing to do is say "bye" back to them

3) When someone asks how old you are, tell them "I'm 6"

And then of course, the things that we all have to teach children like

1) What a compliment is and to say thank you afterward

2) How to have a conversation (ask a question, wait for a response, they ask a question, you answer)

We've got a lot of work ahead of us! 

Next time you see Maddie, help us practice.  

Tell her hi and ask her how old she is!

This is it.

For me, this is it.

This is what childhood is all about!!

I cannot even put into words how much I love these photos.

You know how there are little gifts in life that give you just the boost you need to keep on keeping on? 

This is it for me.

  

Consider me boosted!

How's Maddie Doing?

Maddie is in a good place these days!  

She seems happier and her frustrations seem to have eased.

I've been listening to audiobooks while doing housework lately (you have to have SOMETHING to make the task bearable!) and I recently "read" Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages for Kids.

I've been trying to pinpoint Maddie's love language and I'm pretty sure it's quality time.

Any time she comes and asks to play, instead of telling her "just a minute, let me finish this one thing" I try to stop what I'm doing and play.

I can tell a HUGE difference in her willingness to cooperate or "obey right away" as we tell her!

Of course some days are better than others. Last Sunday at church, she escaped and ran outside!!

Thank goodness, there were adults around to corral her back inside.

Unfortunately, she wasn't at all grateful.  

This mommy was though!!

On the potty training front, she will go to the potty when I tell her it's time, but she doesn't realize herself when she needs to go and she still doesn't feel when her diaper is wet.  

She will sometimes tell me when she has stink but not always.  

It's still a work in progress!

Our other main issue is sleep.  

We have established that bedtime is 8:30.

Although she is not ready to go to sleep until usually 9:30 or 10:00, she goes back to her room to play or read books and entertain herself until she's ready to fall asleep.  

So far, she's not quite capable of handling this time on her own, so there's a lot of calling for mommy and daddy.  

She has anxieties of being left alone, (plus if her love language is quality time, being alone is pretty awful) so we are very slowly easing into this and she will often require Kyle or me back in her room to fall asleep. 

As soon as she wakes up (anywhere between midnight and 2am) she comes to our room and sleeps the rest of the night in our bed.  

Our potty and sleep issues are just part of the Sensory Processing journey that we have to let be.

Her speech continues to improve, which is fantastic.  

One of our favorite apps that we use is Articulation Station.

I like that you can record her pronunciation and take it into our speech therapist!

Fine Motor is another issue we are working hard to improve.  

At preschool they work on writing their names.  

Here's her latest work!!  

I bought her these writing claws  and sent them to preschool.  

She's doing so good! 

So that about sums up how she's been doing lately!  

A lot of you were wondering about how she did with the storms last night.  

As soon as we got into the shelter, she was saying, "too loud!"

We had these earmuffs  to put on her, and she was fine after that point.  

Our neighbors had a little dachshund in the shelter with us and that was the perfect distraction for her!!

We are loving life and looking forward to her ballet recital this afternoon! 

Valentine's Tea Party

Maddie hosted her first REAL tea party!

When you have a little girl, you dream of tea parties with guests like Teddy Bear, Dolly, & One-Eyed Tiger (he tragically got his name after a run-in with the dog).

For this tea party, Grandma and Grandpa were among the honored guests.

A REAL tea party, complete with REAL tea cups.
Delicate, tiny tea cups.  (eeeeek...so cute!)

We had a great time and Grandma and Grandpa were much more talkative than Teddy, Dolly, and One-Eyed Tiger.

We hope to have many more tea parties with friends and family!!