I have a confession to make. When I was pregnant with Maddie, I was really worried about how to act around her. If you saw the way I am here in the comfort of my own house when I know no one is watching, you would most certainly wonder about my sanity. The main two things I worried about is if I would be able to "be myself" when getting ready in the bathroom. I really like to belt out an off-tune song in the shower, and when I say belt out I really mean scream-sing as loud as I can. I often get songs in my head that must be sung, but unfortunately I tend to hold the note too long and make up "runs" (I'm totally just using that phrase because I heard it on American Idol and it sounds like I know what I'm talking about).
The other thing I worried about is my time in front of the mirror. I like to practice my accents (British is my favorite, although Scottish is a close second). Obviously, I only do these things when I'm absolutely certain no one is watching. So, how would this change when I have a little one to care for...I mean Moms aren't supposed to do these things, right? Aren't we supposed to be prim and proper and dignified and have all the answers and be a calm voice of reason? Aren't we supposed to be well organized and put together and on top of schedules and bring a sense of order to the home? I was really worried that I wasn't old enough (at 30) to be a Mom.
So fast forward almost three years later, and now that I have a toddler I am relieved to tell you...she loves me just the way I am! She has no idea what Moms are supposed to act like, she just knows what her Mom acts like.And the zanier and the sillier, the better in her book. So we dance instead of folding laundry. We eat our applesauce outside, sharing the same spoon. We go on walks through the neighborhood with no shoes. We stay in our pajamas until noon. It feels good to just "be" and "do". No rules. Just be who God has called you to be.
Not only was a worried about my quirks, I was worried about my quiet time. I often used music as a way to connect with God in my quiet times. How could I accomplish this with a little one? About a week ago, I turned on the music and the postures came and the tears flowed and Maddie took it all in. I could tell she was wondering what was going on. She looked at me with curiosity and I knew she needed an explanation. I just told her I'm sharing my heart with God and talking to Him with my tears. She accepted that and went on about her play. In a way, I felt foolish for keeping this from her. I think it's good for our children to see all of who we are, even if we like our privacy.
And I'm proud to now have an audience of one.